Does This Cape Make Me Look Fat?

Tomorrow...oops...today...is the day I go under the knife once again to have all of the "hardware" removed from my collarbone.

It's 12:23 a.m. and I'm wide awake. Even though I stuffed my face with a hamburger and fries for dinner and followed it up with a vanilla cone dipped in anxiety from Dairy Queen, I've convinced myself I'm hungry just because I've been told I can't eat after midnight. My stomach knows it's not getting anything for the next thirteen hours or so and it is so not happy about it. (My stomach needs therapy. It has some real issues it needs to deal with.)

I wish the metal in my shoulder would have made me bionic. How cool would that have been?! I so wanted to be the Bionic Woman when I was a kid. Who knew that as an adult, I would be faced with the sucky reality that stainless steel plates and screws don't give you super powers, they hurt like hell!

I've tried to think about what super power I'd like to posses. (See how intellectual I am?) I don't think I'd like to be able to hear things like the Bionic Woman did. I'm already uber paranoid and think people are talking about me. If I actually had to hear what they were saying about me, OH MY GOSH. My part-time vodka hobby would become full-time sedation.

Maybe super vision? No....not that. I already have this horrific ability to catch people in my line of vision at the very instant they choose to do something absolutely disgusting. I will be minding my own business, rocking out to Journey in the car, casually look out my window and BAM!! The yahoo in the bigass redneckmobile next to me, yaks a giant wad of tobacco and brown saliva out of his window. *gagggggggg* This makes not only NOT want super vision, it makes me want to jab my eyes out.

Is knowing which way North, South, East and West is, a super power? Now that's one I could really use. Sometimes I fantasize about being one of those people who possess the super ability to actually know where they are at any given time. *sigh* Unless you tell me, "right" or "left", I have no idea which way to turn. I can find my way only if given directions like, "When you come to the red barn with a goat out front, take a left..." I rely heavily upon a snazzy GPS system. Unfortunately, it has no idea where I am because a few months ago, this entire town didn't exist. I have a pet name for my GPS. I call it Piece of Crap. At least when I'm within a ten mile radius of my non-existent house.

It's probably way too much pressure to have a super power anyway. Who needs that? I suppose I'll settle for being super sarcastic, super neurotic and super obsessive. My four year old tells me that I'm, "Super Duper Uper." That works for me.

Wish me luck.