Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Long Non-Winding Road - Part I


When I look at my GPS and it says, "Next turn is in 524 miles," my limited Yiddish vocabulary comes in handy. Oy vey.

If you've never made the drive between Arizona and Texas...don't. Get your tokhes to the nearest airport and let the captain do all of the work for you. It's seriously, and literally, a pain in the ass to drive it.

The route went like this: 1.) Phoenix, AZ to Dallas, TX 2.) Dallas, TX to Grapevine, TX 3.) Grapevine, TX to Plano, TX 4.) Plano, TX to Stillwater, OK 5.) Stillwater, OK to...well hell. Even I'm bored to tears with this. To summarize, during the ten-day trip through four states, we logged fifty-two hours on our asses in the car. Fifty-freaking-two. Nebekhdik!

I made a solemn pledge to myself that I would, under no circumstances, gain weight on this trip. Please...tell me what in the hell I was thinking. Fifty-two hours of sitting on my arse eating fast food for ten days, does not a skinny girl make. I gained four pounds. The muffin top has exploded right off the muffin and has revealed the lard filled pastry that is me.

The trip started on a high note. In my determination to not swell up like a show pig, I'd packed some apples in the ice chest. A couple of hours into the drive, I retrieved an apple and smugly crunched it while mentally patting myself on the back for my stunning display of health consciousness. That would be the last healthy morsel to pass my lips for the next ten days.

One morning I had cold buffalo wings for breakfast. The next, I inhaled kolaches and donuts. Across four states, Chinese fare was devoured as were hamburgers, empanadas, trout butter, pizza, salumi, french fries, pancakes, coconut M&Ms, tacos, cheesecake and banana pudding. And, don't even get me started on how many vodka laced drinks I poured down my pipe. Let's just say that I drank enough to inspire my friend Kyle to name a drink a drink after me. That's right. Next time you're out, ask for a Malibu Amy.

To be continued...



16 comments:

Cynthia said...

Well Amy, at least the trip didn't turn into "Thelma and Louise". Don't you get reflective on a long road trip?

I usually start thinking about my life, what I have done, where am I headed? It's kind of a relief to clear the mind.

Btw you didn't drive off a cliff, right?-otherwise how could you be writing this travelogue. <3

Kathy G said...

It's REALLY hard to be healthy on a road trip; they put the fast-food restaurants close to the highway, but you have to seek out a grocery store if you want to buy some produce to eat!

~JarieLyn~ said...

You crack me up. Your trip sounds quite interesting to me.

ellen abbott said...

Living at the bottom of Texas, unless I go east to Louisiana, it's 12 hours through Texas to anywhere. I hear ya'.

SJT said...

We just did the road trip too. What is it about shoving food down our gullets for the entire trip? Even my kids were hungry into the wee hours of the night if we were in the car. Someone should do a study.

Tessa said...

Yay! Here I am, back from battling the storm that is Internet Explorer 8 and which has precluded any attempts I've made to visit friends' blogs by freezing pages and making things disappear altogether after flinging up dire warnings at me. So nice to join you on your road trip at last!

The only way to stay skinny on a road trip is to drive across Africa. And, what's more, you will never ever eat pasta again. (It was the only thing we could keep from going rotten or heaving with weevils.) Apart from pasta, our staple diet was bananas and the occasional tomato.

The Bug said...

When I traveled in Africa I would buy pasties - yum! And stock up on Cadbury chocolate...

Your list of food that you ate is making me drool all over my keyboard. I definitely am a road trip food-a-holic. And even when we bring healthy things to eat we ignore them.

Amy said...

Cynthia: This particular car ride was 16 hours long. Reflection lasted about 2 hours! I also fractured my right hip in an auto accident a couple of years ago and it only puts up with about 6 hours in the car before it gets really angry. I spent a lot of time trying to convince it not to stage a walk-out.

Kathy G: Yeah! What's that about?! Sure...you can find greasy garbage galore, but try to find a banana when you're going cross-country!

JarieLyn: Thanks for coming along for the ride!

Ellen: Mmmm hmmm. The kids got all excited when they saw the sign that said, "Welcome to Texas!" We still had another twelve hours to go in our 16 hour trip. I love my Texas, but DAMN!

SJT: Interesting! I thought maybe the kids ate out of boredom, but with d.v.ds, MP3s, PSPs, coloring books, etc. in the car...they still ate like animals. I was the only one that showed any real restraint for most of the trip, but of course, I was the one who gained the weight. Go figure.

Tessa: Yay! You're back! I've heard that there's been a rash of problems in The Land of Blog, but I'm glad you got it figured out.

I've always had the desire to travel to Africa. In fact, my husband and I were talking about it on our trip. But...pasta, bananas and a tomato?! Hmmm. I may have to do some more thinking!

Bug: Welcome to the blog! I can take Cadbury chocolate to Africa?! (Okay, Tessa...I'm back on!)

We did take a cooler in which I packed diet drinks, water, low-fat cheese sticks, grapes and apples. The problem with those things is that they don't keep well. We had to keep refilling the cooler with ice once or twice a day and within a day or two, nothing looked very edible or appetizing. However, the Double Stuff Oreos and Cheetos held up incredibly well. (My thighs can testify.)

Angela said...

Amy, hahaha, that was a funny description of lovely American food supplies. I´d like to have one or two! But I also hate long road trips, I normally get sick! About travelling in Africa, did you read Lori`s reports of her trip to Zimbabwe? I`m not quite sure who of my blog friends know each other. Lori times five is the one. You`ll want to go this minute!!! And Tessa`s journey to Uganda was just as wonderful. Or do you know Janelle (Ngorobob house - life on the hill)? Africa is next for you! And tomatoes and bananas won`t make you fat!

Lee Ryan said...

coconut M&Ms?

Hey - I've got about 3500 miles in front of me to get to California. I'll take your advice and save space; leave the apples in the grocery store. :-)

Linda Rae said...

I'm sorry about your butt, but I can't tell you how happy I was to see you and your family!!

markdw said...

I'm glad we got to see you guys. I'm also glad Calysta and Alex got to spend some time together and not be at each other's throats.

Amy said...

Angela: I love bananas and tomatoes, but not together and not with pasta! (Or maybe a tomato/banana pesto might be good. No...ick.) I have seen your bloggy friends on your blog and have read some of them. You DO have the most interesting friends!

Lee: YES! Coconut! They're one of those "limited edition" flavors. I'm going to start a petition to make them permanent.

And, yes. Skip the apples. They take up room and if you eat 3,500 miles worth of them, you'll be stopping at every rest stop.

Linda: I must say...our midnight conversation that somehow began with the Revolutionary War and ended with a discussion about sex, really made the trip.

Mark: The girls seemed to do well together and Alex said she had a good time. *Whew!*

Penney said...

Om, kolaches AND donuts for breakfast?? SO worth the extra four pounds!!

Wendy said...

Trout butter. It's true. I saw it (but didn't taste it.) I did partake of the salumi, though. I'm still convinced it's salami, their graphic designer made a typo and they just decided to go with it.

Amy said...

Penney: Thanks for dropping by the blog and for taking time to comment! As I was snarfing down the kolaches and donuts, I did indeed say to myself, "Self...this is SO worth the weight you're going to gain." Then I got home, stood on the scale and alternately cursed like a sailor and cried.

Wendy: I thought the exact same thing! But...I googled it and it really IS salumi. I still think something's fishy. (Or, maybe that's just the trout butter talking.)