Monday, May 17, 2010

On a Day Like Today - May 13, 2010

If I thought that standing in a pool of someone else's urine was a lousy way to begin a day, I was wrong. Yesterday morning as I stood over the toilet with plunger in hand, ankle deep in urine and toilet tissue, I said to myself, "Self...this HAS to be one of the worst ways EVER to start a day."

What in the hell do I know?

As my eyes tried to fight their way open this morning, The Duchess leaned over the edge of my bed and said, "Mommy? I am NOT happy today."


Upon inquiry, I was informed that although the Countdown to Disneyland calendar I'd so craftily constructed for her was "very nice," she just could NOT wait any longer to go. There was more than a bit of whining as I gave my speech about time, and waiting and choosing to be happy, blah, blah, blah.

We made our way downstairs and as I stood at the kitchen sink re-filling my water bottle to put in the freezer for a quick cool down, The Duchess looked at me and said, "You're going to get germs." Lovely. Here I am trying to save the planet by using a recycled water bottle and I'm getting blowback. *sigh*

As I opened the freezer door, the words, "Oh, shit," involuntarily escaped my lips. Being the thoughtful mommy that I am, I'd come home yesterday from the store and stashed a bottle of sparkling apple juice in the freezer so that The Duchess could share a glass of "fancy special drink" with her daddy over dinner. This is one of her very favorite things to do and I needed to get that juice cooled down, STAT!

In one catastrophic instant, Thoughtful Mommy was turned into Moronic Mommy as I opened the freezer and stared slack jawed at the apple slush and glass massacre inside.

Damn, damn, DAMN!

As I pulled out each shelf and bin with care and ease, green glass and frozen juice went everywhere. The Duchess kindly offered instruction from her perch on the kitchen counter. The dog discovered that she loved frozen apple juice, the bird discovered that landing on my head while I'm pissed off and standing in apple juice is NOT a good idea and I learned that little invisible shards of glass do not feel very pleasant when impaled in one's hand. Oh...I also learned that I hate...nay...DESPISE that damn alarm on my freezer door that beeps incessantly when the door has been open for more than thirty seconds.

After the freezer was reassembled, the floor mopped, the counters cleaned and the juice filled towels washed, I settled down with my morning cup of hot chocolate.



Apparently the Blu-ray player wasn't cooperating with The Duchess and needed a good talking to by Mom. As I fiddled with the thing and seemed to be getting nowhere, The Duchess sighed heavily and walked into the office and speed dialed Daddy for back up.

So now I'm talking on the phone with Daddy, a.k.a. Technical Genius, and trying to figure out which of the four remotes operate the Blu-ray player. The Duchess is yapping in my ear and has decided that she's over the Disneyland debacle and is now "nervous about starting school." I can HEAR Alvin & the Chipmunks playing in the DVD player, but I can't SEE them. The Duchess is lamenting about school, the dog is barking, and the Technical Genius is now trying to tell me about a conversation he had on the phone with his grandfather this morning.

Mr. Right: I got a call from Grampy this morning!

Me: (Holding the phone between my neck and my ear while trying to press buttons on all of the remotes to see what works) Really?

Mr. Right: Yeah. He's in Arizona and wants to know if we can come see him.

Me: (Shaking the remotes one by one in the direction of the television) Of course we can.

Mr. Right: Grampy said he was at Brand X Convenience Store in Texas and ran into a lady named Linda who knows me. Said she did work for me in Texas and Arizona and that we're friends. That either has to be Linda Y. or Linda Z!

Me: Wow! Neat. What in the HELL are you doing with your phone?! It sounds like you're rubbing it against your butt!!

Mr. Right: (Getting the idea that I'm irritated as hell)  It's windy out here. Oh...okay...I'll talk to you later. Bye.

As I hung the phone up, the wailing began.

"I TOLD you I wanted to talk to Daddy when you were done!!" AAAGGGHHHH!!!

And that's when it hit me. I OWE this child.

Standing there with remotes in hand, Alvin & the Chipmunks screaming in my ear and The Duchess crying, I flashed back to last night. I'd become consumed with what I was doing in my office and had lost track of time. When I looked at the clock it was 10:30 and I hadn't put The Duchess to bed. As I scooted my chair away from the desk, my eye caught sight of The Duchess. Under my desk. Curled up with her puppy in the dog bed. Asleep. You see? I OWE her. She deserves some patience and understanding, because she has a disaster for a mommy sometimes.

The phone has just jingled and it's Snotty. She needs lunch money before 1:25.  It is currently 11:48 and I'm still in my jammies and covered in apple juice. So, off I go to the showers. As I'm tearing out of the garage on my way to the school, will you please keep your fingers crossed for me that I actually remember to take Snotty's lunch money with me? I'm having one of those days. You know the kind...don't you? *grin*


ellen abbott said...

I bet you're wishing you were back in Mexico right about now.

I had one of those days recently where absolutely everything would not cooperate.

And, oh yeah, am I glad my kids are grown.

The Bug said...

I'm with Ellen - I'm glad my kids are... Oh wait, I don't HAVE kids & I'm currently glad about that :)

Barry said...

Yep, I've had "those days" before.

Well, maybe not exactly like the day you just had. No one has had one of those, but close.

Whitney Lee said...

I have days like that...the kind where I start off covered in spit up and baby poo, selfishly telling my daughter (whom I'm doing a half assed job of trying to potty train) that no, she doesn't need to go to the potty while I'm feeding her brother, that's what her diaper is for, just as my husband calls asking if I want to bring him lunch...

I find that my most common refrain these days is "This too shall pass."

Angela said...

I remember how my mother used to sigh on such days, when us kids gave her a hard time, and she said, I wish you children like YOU are! Haha, that is a great hope. One day the Duchess will live through the same kind of days, and you can lean back and comment, "Ah, it will all pass! Even that day, remember, when the apple juice messed up our deep freezer and you said you were "not happy"? That was funny."

Aunt Juicebox said...

Oh lord yes, I know what those days are like. And the remotes!!! The freakin remotes! I sometimes want to take all of them and just smash them into someone's face. WHY do we need so many?

Agni said...

Good grief woman! You need another vacation.

This proves that some days, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!

Tuesday's Child said...

What a great story...I'm contemplating having kids...this post makes me do some serious thinking!