Friday, May 21, 2010

Reasons Why I Don't Sleep OR Why My Pseudonym is "Bitchy"

1. The $2,000 water softener unit that sits in the garage and underneath my room, sounds like a Boeing 747 when it decides to do its thing. I am clueless as to what it's thing is, but it jolts me awake at 2:00 a.m. and causes the hair on my arms to stand on end and makes my extremities feel like every nerve ending in them is standing at attention. (Is this what an adrenaline rush feels like?! Who knew?!)

2. The growling puppy who thinks she's protecting me from a Boeing 747 crashing through the bedroom and then  proudly determines that her ten pounds of growling, fluffy, fury has diverted a catastrophe, decides she now has to go outside and tinkle.

3. Darth Vader who awakens slightly when the puppy and I return to the bed and groggily decides that he no longer needs the Vader sleep mask which keeps him from snoring like a coal powered freight train and then proceeds to snore like a coal powered freight train.  

4. The uneasy (and paranoid)  feeling that the reason the puppy is not going back to sleep and is standing en pointe on the edge of the bed is because bad Ninjas have invaded my home and the noise in the garage wasn't the $2,000 Boeing 747 water softening unit at all, but the sound of my flat screen t.v. being Ninja'd out the door and into a windowless, unmarked van. (Sleep deprivation is used as a form of TORTURE you know.)

5. The oh so detailed dreams about my Bloggy Friend in Germany in which I visit her and she takes me on a walk through a war zone, only to return to her countryside home where we cook in the kitchen with her two sisters and I finally meet her husband who is wearing overalls and making applesauce ("You like cinnamon in yours, right?) She offers me pink homemade candy coated pretzels and inquires about my net worth. (Forgive me, Angela...I'm delirious.)

6. The banging and slamming of doors and closets as Snotty prepares herself for her 8th grade promotion ceremony. I roll over and look at the alarm which I've set for 6:15 a.m. The clock tells me it is 5:45 a.m.

7. The sound of the screaming in my own head.

8. The sound of my own voice, very much NOT in my own head this time, saying, "SCREW IT!"


ellen abbott said...

Ear plugs, girl, ear plugs. I love mine. Womblike ecstasy (well, maybe not quite but close enough).

Penney said...

And here I'd been hoping that once the Energizer Bunny slept through the night all the time (and didn't try to sneak into our room to climb into our bed...) I'd be able to too. Note to self - do NOT buy $2000 water softener thingy.

Linda Rae said...

Be firm with Darth that at NO time is he finished with the mask--until you are up, or he is, whichever comes first.

@eloh said...

I agree with Ellen.. only maybe a step further and use headphones playing sea sounds or some white noise that wouldn't make you need to pee at 3am.

The Bug said...

I think the answer is a hotel room. Just for a night or two. Heh.

I get VERY bitchy when I don't have my sleep. Also, I can't really perform tasks very well. The ear plugs might be the ticket.

Aunt Juicebox said...

Mmmmmmm....applesauce! lol

I firmly believe every noise my cat makes at night is someone trying to find a way into my home.

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Reya Mellicker said...

I was thinking earplugs, too. Hope you soon get a good, solid sleep.

Cool dreams. Wow.

Angela said...

Hahaha, sorry I am late, but I enjoyed our dream of being together! Yes, my applesauce is famous (mine, not my husband`s), and you are welcome to share it with me anytime! Come on your magic carpet! I had a dream last night that I bought tickets for my dog and me (he was diagnosed with arthritis yesterday) for a train ride to Egypt! Of course you could join us on that one, too!
About the noise - get rid of that water softener!