Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Stop, or I'll...Put my Car in Drive!

There are times when my brainbox verges on exploding into zillions of tiny pieces. One such moment came last Saturday evening on a ride home in the car with Mr. Right.

I let myself in for things. I really do. I sometimes long to be one of those wives who keeps conversation to a minimum and who just bustles around happily letting her man do the thinking, oblivious to the fact that her skull actually contains a bit of gray matter of its own.

But, alas...I'm not one of those women. *Sigh*

So as usual, when there is a bit of silence between us in the car, I ask Mr. Right if he's heard or read any of the latest news. (I ask out of politeness because Mr. Right doesn't read anything if it's not related to school or work. This being said, Mr. Right still seems to know most everything about anything and challenges me at every turn.)

Earlier in the day I'd read a news story regarding the absolutely frightening rash of mass murders that have occurred in the past couple of months. The headline of this article, which was expounded on within the text, was something along the lines of, "Killers All Had Licenses to Carry Guns."

Mr. Right and I have had a few brief conversations about guns and the issue of gun control in the past and we are on utterly different planets with regard to the issue. Just to be clear, I take the position that fewer weapons in the hands of fewer people would make the world ever so much lovelier. Mr. Right takes the position that every human being has the right to be armed and dangerous.

So, why you ask, did I bring up the latest headline on that fateful Saturday drive? My only defense is temporary insanity. I'm going with the Twinkie Defense.

Anyway, it went something like this:

Me: "So did you read where all of those mass murderers had legal licenses to carry their guns?"

Mr. Right: "Hm. So?"

Me: "Well, obviously that says something about our current protocol for obtaining guns. It's seriously flawed."

Mr. Right: "You can't tell if a person is crazy when they go to get a gun permit."

Me: "Exactly. That's why we need a better system."

Mr. Right: "If you had your way, no one would have guns. The fact of the matter is, if you take guns away, people who want to kill will find other ways to do it."

Me: "That's a chance I'm willing to take."

Mr. Right: "Taking guns away isn't going to change people who want to kill. They'll just do something like use their car as a weapon."

Wait...did you read that right? Yes. You did. He actually said that people would use their cars as weapons. This is where my brain began to reel.

Me: "WHAT?! You mean to tell me that you actually believe that a guy who opens fire in a school and kills thirteen people, if not given access to a weapon, is going to drive his CAR into the school and run over thirteen people?!"

Mr. Right: "Yeah."

Before I continue, let me explain something to you. This kind of nonsense makes me lose all control over the ability to control the octave in which I speak. It also prompts a dialogue to begin running in the background of my brain. A little voice starts saying things like, "Oh my god! He's actually insane! I've married a loon! He's crazy! Oh my gosh...maybe I'm crazy! No! I'm not crazy, he's crazy!" This voice can be quite distracting whilst I'm persevering in making my point, it can.

Me: (At several octaves higher) "That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard! That ranks right up their with your buddy W telling me that we shouldn't allow homosexuals the right to get married because the next thing you know, people will be marrying goats."

Okay, yes. W really said that. In W's mind, if two gay people who are in love and committed to each other enter into legal marriage, then the natural progression is that people will attempt to legally marry their farm animals. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

Yes. If you're INSANE!

By this time, Mr. Right had dug in his heels and, as usual, would not admit that he was stretching ridiculousness to it's capacity. I accused him of playing Devil's Advocate, which he does quite often, and to which he will never admit.

As we pulled into our driveway, I was yelling things like, "I REFUSE TO SPEAK TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE BEING STUPID!" and "I'D REALLY LIKE TO SEE SOMEONE HOLD UP A CONVENIENCE STORE AT CARPOINT!" Loverly.

I must learn to keep my mouth shut. It would drastically curb the recurrence of events such as this, would most certainly stifle the urge to get in my car and take out a herd of goats and very probably keep that little voice inside my head from yammering so loudly that I'm forced to yell over it to be heard.

Oh. Yes. I'm the only one who hears that voice, right? Sorry then.


Reya Mellicker said...

Are you sure he's Mr. Right?

markdw said...

Perhaps nobody ever held up a 7-11 with a car, but they have done so with knives, baseball bats, and even completely unarmed.

People have been killing people as long as there have been people. Banning guns isn't going to change that.

The fact is that, in America, the cities and states which have the most draconian gun control laws also enjoy the highest rates of murder and other violent crimes.

Obviously not everyone should own a gun, and there are measures in place to prevent "crazy" people from getting them. The problem is that the automated background check system is entirely dependent upon human clerks to actually enter all of the relevant data into the system.

You should also realize that having a gun permit isn't a universal thing. In Mass., for example, you have to have a permit to even buy a gun. In OK (and AZ, along with 38 other states), however, you only need a permit if you want to carry a handgun concealed in public.

So depending on where these people live, having a gun permit can mean very different things.

Two states, Vermont and Alaska, allow the concealed carry of a handgun by anybody who can legally purchase a handgun. I don't know about Alaska's numbers, but Vermont has the lowest violent crime statistic in the country: 1.9 per 100k, as opposed to ~30 in D.C., where guns are illegal completely.

Amy said...

Reya - Ha!! Fortunately, Mr. Right's great qualities outweigh his, um...not so great ones. It does make for an interesting and looney life though!

Mark - Lighten up. It's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.

Missy said...

You always crack me up. My husband gets fired up about issues like this and it just makes me tired, so I hear the voice in my head, but don't have enough energy for the discussion!

AmyWW said...

Mr. Right drives me nuts sometimes, playing the devil's advocate.
Here's a story for you, Amy:
She was convicted and sentenced to 20 years.

SJT said...

I don't think it's just you with the "voice". My husband clearly tries to avoid those types of conversations with me because as he says, "you must have your fighting ears on." And I do. And then anything he says just sounds stupid. And I am not shy in telling him so. Once in a's just fun. Does that make me crazy?

Amy said...

Missy - MUST find the energy!! And, thanks for reading. I truly appreciate your comments.

Amy - Yes, I'd read about this before. I think in her case, she felt that running over her cheating husband was a much more appropriate end to his life than a quick easy shot to the head. Doesn't sound like she drove it into the hotel to commit a mass murder though.

SJT - No! It doesn't make you crazy! After Mr. Right read this blog he said, "You always me make me out to look like a jackass." My reply was, "Dear, I don't have to work very hard at it. You do quite well on your own."

Cubil said...

How about "not wearing seatbelts saves lives"? You know "my friend was thrown to safety because at the time of the crash, he was thrown clear of the explosion".

Andrea said...

OMG - I'm laughing out loud! Who can figure out the mind of a man, anyway? Next time he says something so off the wall, tell you're gonna get a new goat!

Amy said...

Cubil - Thanks for reading and for your comments! I think I hit "reply" to you in my Gmail box and replied directly to your comment via email. Regardless, good to have you along!

Andrea - I'll keep the goat comment in my arsenal!

Glynn said...

I find the American way of being armed and dangerous really fascinating to me, simply because it's so foreign to what I'm used to. I don't think I've ever seen a gun, never mind debated about their use.

I guess different cultures are the deciding factor when it comes down to it. What might work in one area might not work in another.

But I do agree with you - if it was up to me, I'd have them all thrown in a skip.

Nice blog by the way!

Lee Ryan said...

Right - but as you're driving fast through the herd of goats, keep a close eye out for their spouses. :-)

Amy said...

Glynn - So very glad to have you aboard! I stopped by your blog and like the way you think.

Lee - Thanks so much for stopping by and having a look see. I sat and read your blog for several minutes and laughed several times. You're obviously substantially more gifted with gray matter than I, but I like your raunchy humor.

Bee and Rose said...

Hi Amy! LOL! I have conversations like this with my husband all of the time! Men!

So happy that you found my blog so I could find you back! I like your sassy style!

(about my is currently down because we are expanding it and revamping the entire site. It will re-launch late summer at! Hope to see you around!)

Amy said...

Bee & Rose -

Thank you!! I'll most certainly be shopping your website. And many thanks for coming aboard the 'ol blog. It does get bit sassy around here sometimes!


Andrea said...

Amy - please stop by my blog. There's something there for you!

Angela said...

Oh I know I KNOW these crazy conversations, in which I somehow never win although I have the much better arguments. Men, yeah... and mine is even a lawyer, trained to outwit people.
But this weapon thing in America is something I`ll never come to terms with. Okay, coming from pioneer times, I suppose, but today?? In Germany, you have to apply for a licence and have to prove you definitely NEED a weapon AND you are a reliable person, and then all will be registered and you can always be identified.

Still, of course in Hamburg St.Pauli on the Reeperbahn you can always buy weapons illegally. But the normal, not criminal people, find the idea to have a gun at home quite idiotic. Probably due to OUR history.
I love your blog, Amy! And you!

Tony said...

Amy, did you hear about the guy in Georgia that drove his CAR "Through" his ex-girlfriends house (actually through neighbors in townhome community), then STABBED his ex-girlfriend to death.

I think he got the idea about the car from your blog. I think it is time to shut this blog down for fostering criminal ideas.

Seriously, I enjoy you blog, but GUNS don't kill people. PEOPLE Kill people and they will find a way when they want to.

Amy said...

Tony - Thanks for stopping by! Yes, I hear about stories like the one in Georgia all the time. It's not that kind of random wackiness that concerns me most. I realize that if people really flip out and want to kill, they'll find a way.

I don't really write for the purpose of debate, but for the purpose of trying to avoid paying a shrink $150 an hour by unloading my mental garbage upon innocent unsuspecting readers in Blog Land. It helps. It really does!