Getting To Know Me

It's interesting, this blogging community. Sometimes you think you can tell what a person is like by reading what they write, and maybe you can...sometimes. But people have lots of layers and lately, my Pessimistic Grumpy layer has been revealing itself. I've decided (after re-reading my promise to myself at the beginning of the new year to find my joy) to slough off that layer and let the real Amy out.

So, for those of you who think you know me by reading my crappy poetry and my gloomier (if it's not a word, it should be) blogs, here are some things you probably wouldn't know about me by reading my blogs:

1. I have no middle name. Actually, I do…now. When I married Mr. Right, I kept my maiden name as my middle name. Bada bing-bada boom. Unfortunately, my maiden name is 10 letters long, so I only use the initial.

2. I can spread my toes out on both feet into perfect fans. Throw in some webbing and I’d be a duck. This talent came in really handy when I wanted to run my sisters off so I could have their place on the couch to watch t.v. I’d throw the old feet up on the coffee table, fan out the toes and bodies scattered.

3. I have a nervous habit of pushing back my cuticles. Nervous habit = well groomed hands.

4. I love spicy food and can hold my own against most grown men when it comes to Scoville units.

5. I will try almost any food so long as it was not once an organ in a living thing. My mother tried to starve me during my childhood by frequently serving liver and onions. I didn’t know about D.H.S. then or I would have called.

6. I am a snob and have disdain for those who won’t even TRY new food. Oh…and just because you tried it once…when you were 10…doesn’t get you out of having to try it now. (Yes…I’ve tried liver, and tongue and…oh gag. I can’t go on.)

7. I love music and love to dance. (I hope to someday be the oldest living club hag. Maybe not. That just made me kind of sad thinking about it.)

8. I am 1/16 Cherokee, but I’m mostly German and French. This might go some ways in explaining my love of Grandmother Earth, my yen for good bread and my lack of a decent chin.

9. I read banned books because #1, they’ve been banned and I won’t have anyone telling me I can’t read them and #2, because if there’s something out there someone doesn’t want me to read, you can bet your aunt’s pajamas there’s some really good shit in there.

10. People think I’m mad when I’m not. My Deep in Thought look greatly resembles the look of someone who has just been urinated on. This is an impediment which I cannot seem to overcome.

11. I love books. Not just the reading of them, but actually the having of them. I would love to have a gigantic library in my home someday filled with tons of books. Then of course, I would need a gigantic tree in my back yard under which I would read. It’s the very best place for reading.

12. I get choked up every time I sing our National Anthem. (Except for when some yahoo sings it and completely jacks it up beyond recognition.)

13. My favorite candy is Smarties. I believe they’ve made me smarter.

14. I am 5’4” but thought I was 5’2” for two years. When my now husband and I were dating he asked how tall I was and I told him 5’4”. He said he didn’t believe it so he got out a tape measure and measured me. He said, “See?” and showed me the tape measure. Sure enough…5’2”. For the next two years I put 5’2” as my height on any form that asked. One day at my doctor’s office, he measured me and I said, “How tall does it say I am?” He said, “5’4.”” My husband looked at me and grinned from ear to ear.

15. I never believe anything my husband says.

16. I love salt. I salt everything except things that are sweet.

17. I have low blood pressure. Low enough that I have to list it on doctors and dentists forms. I love this because it pisses my mom off. She always rode me about salting everything, guaranteeing me that I was going to have astronomically high blood pressure.

18. I am married to the Perfect Man…for me. His name is Mr. Right. (Mr. Always Right.)

19. I used to be a disc-jockey. At a country music station. I hate country music.

20. I believe in random acts of kindness and try to find opportunities for them as often as possible. (Yes, I’m shallow and vain and sometimes crude…but I’m nice. Shut up. I am.)

21. I’m a Neatnik and am fine with it. Some people seem almost insulted by it. What’s wrong with neat? Neat is good.

22. I have completely inappropriate thoughts at completely inappropriate times. I manage to control it… mostly…and they just stay in my head. They’ve not stayed in my head enough times for me to have been dubbed as “weird” on more than one occasion. I used to hate the “weird” label but strangely, I’ve come to think of it as a compliment. It means I’m not one of the herd. Or, maybe I’m just weird.)

23. Thanks to my weird mother (Her name is Barbara. It means “strange”. Look it up. I swear), I use old-fashioned words and phrases in my everyday speech. (I also use a lot of Yiddish. Oy.) My tween daughter, The Snot, didn’t speak to me for a week because I used the word “shindig” in front of her friends. I’ve promised her I won’t use that word in front of her friends anymore. I’ll say, “hootenanny.”

24. I used to be the personal assistant to a Rabbi. (Bingo! Now the Yiddish thing becomes clear!) I worked in a synagogue that practiced a completely kosher tradition. I used to sneak beef jerky in and eat it while making copies in the copy room. I don’t believe in Hell, but if it turns out there is one, I’m going.

25. I loathe scary movies. My imagination is way too overactive to handle them. After seeing, I Am Legend, at the theatre, I didn’t sleep for days. I also wouldn’t go into a dark room for about three months. I had to start watching re-runs of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air just to convince myself that Will Smith was okay. I will not go to a scary movie with you. Don’t ask.

So, there you have it.

Oh...the picture is of me when I was four. This was my very favorite dress and my very favorite necklace. My sisters were horrified when they found out that our mother was taking me to their school to have my picture taken on picture day. They begged her not to let me wear that necklace with that dress. To this day, it's one of my very favorite pictures. (Thanks, Mom.)