Friday, March 6, 2009

Does This Cape Make Me Look Fat?

Tomorrow...oops...today...is the day I go under the knife once again to have all of the "hardware" removed from my collarbone.

It's 12:23 a.m. and I'm wide awake. Even though I stuffed my face with a hamburger and fries for dinner and followed it up with a vanilla cone dipped in anxiety from Dairy Queen, I've convinced myself I'm hungry just because I've been told I can't eat after midnight. My stomach knows it's not getting anything for the next thirteen hours or so and it is so not happy about it. (My stomach needs therapy. It has some real issues it needs to deal with.)

I wish the metal in my shoulder would have made me bionic. How cool would that have been?! I so wanted to be the Bionic Woman when I was a kid. Who knew that as an adult, I would be faced with the sucky reality that stainless steel plates and screws don't give you super powers, they hurt like hell!

I've tried to think about what super power I'd like to posses. (See how intellectual I am?) I don't think I'd like to be able to hear things like the Bionic Woman did. I'm already uber paranoid and think people are talking about me. If I actually had to hear what they were saying about me, OH MY GOSH. My part-time vodka hobby would become full-time sedation.

Maybe super vision? No....not that. I already have this horrific ability to catch people in my line of vision at the very instant they choose to do something absolutely disgusting. I will be minding my own business, rocking out to Journey in the car, casually look out my window and BAM!! The yahoo in the bigass redneckmobile next to me, yaks a giant wad of tobacco and brown saliva out of his window. *gagggggggg* This makes not only NOT want super vision, it makes me want to jab my eyes out.

Is knowing which way North, South, East and West is, a super power? Now that's one I could really use. Sometimes I fantasize about being one of those people who possess the super ability to actually know where they are at any given time. *sigh* Unless you tell me, "right" or "left", I have no idea which way to turn. I can find my way only if given directions like, "When you come to the red barn with a goat out front, take a left..." I rely heavily upon a snazzy GPS system. Unfortunately, it has no idea where I am because a few months ago, this entire town didn't exist. I have a pet name for my GPS. I call it Piece of Crap. At least when I'm within a ten mile radius of my non-existent house.

It's probably way too much pressure to have a super power anyway. Who needs that? I suppose I'll settle for being super sarcastic, super neurotic and super obsessive. My four year old tells me that I'm, "Super Duper Uper." That works for me.

Wish me luck.

10 comments:

Linda Rae said...

I DO wish you luck, Amy. I love you. Sending good thoughts your way (with my own super powers...)

Andrea said...

Good luck. You don' need super powers - just more super love from that 4-year old!

Reya Mellicker said...

You're so powerful already, who needs the super powers?

Thinking about you and sending superhero super healing energy in your direction.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Good luck!

And your pet name for your GPS cracked me up!

Thanks for visiting my site last week when my blog was featured on SITS! (I'm still catching up with everyone - whew!)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Would you please disregard my comment about the SITS thing. My brain went fuzzy there for a minute. However, the first part of my comment still stands!

Fragrant Liar said...

Definitely. Good luck on the surgery, and also with your super powers. I have super powers too. I'm just not telling anybody what they are, so I always have an edge.

Wendy said...

Super duper uper is about as good as it gets. I ditto the blonde kid on that.
I also know that special parts don't make you bionic.
Mr. "Always" Right is super good with directions, even in a non-existent town. Take him with you.

Ninetales13 said...

haha, your whole post kept me laughing! Hope you come out ok after they remove all that metal @_@

lakeviewer said...

Good luck. This too shall pass, and then you'll measure your life's blessings like the rest of us mortals, one injury at a time.

ric said...

徵信社,徵信,徵信,徵信社,外遇,尋人,徵信公司,徵信,抓姦,徵信,徵信社,外遇,抓姦,尋人,徵信社,徵信,抓 姦,抓姦,外遇,尋人,徵信公司,徵信,徵信,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,外遇,抓姦,尋人,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,徵信,外遇,尋人,徵信公司,徵信社,抓姦,徵信,外遇,徵信社,尋人,徵信,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,徵信,徵信,徵信社,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,徵信,外遇,尋人,徵信公司,徵信,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,徵信,情趣用品,情趣,抓姦