Monday, February 16, 2009

Status Update: Blah


Confession: Although I know very well that I am a very fortunate person in so many ways, I still have relatively regular bouts of The Blah. I wonder quite often, how many others are afflicted with this horrible malady. Maybe it's just me. Miss Ungrateful. Miss Dissatisfied.

There seems to be a lot on my mind lately but it's a jumbled up mess I haven't taken the effort to unjumble. Therefore, I don't seem to have the clarity to sit down and write anything I feel would be worth my while.

So, I'm just going to pull some things out of my brain and put them down in writing in an attempt at straightening up the untidy web between my ears.

*I've been verging on angry lately. I don't know why. Maybe not angry. That's too harsh. Irritated. That's better. I've had my head soaking in news and political books for months now and I think it may be getting to me. I need to live in ignorance for awhile maybe. They say it's bliss, you know.

*I read a comment on someones blog tonight that said that they'd never "actually met anyone who watched or got their news from MSNBC." My first thought was, "Wow, Dude. You really need to step outside that protective bubble you're living in." My second thought was, "Yes, you have. You've met me!" I know the person who left the comment and he knows me. (He is a Far Right Winger) I guess he hasn't discovered my not so secret identity yet. I guess he would be shocked to find out that he has actually had in his home, a Liberal, an Atheist, a watcher of MSNBC, a subscriber to the Huffington Post and a peace sign wearing new age hippie...and they are all me.

*The topic of Family has been popping into my head on a somewhat frequent basis and I haven't devoted any time to determining why. It's a touchy issue for me and I suppose I need to go through the mental frustration of facing it down and figuring it out. This is contributing to my Blah because I have gone through this exercise many times and am frustrated that I'm still having to do it. It means I'm not doing it right!

*Valentine's Day came and went and I could give a rat's patooty less. In my "former life," I was married for 14 years to an absolute nightmare of a human. Valentine's Day brought with it the hopefulness only the hopeless have of actually being put at the top of the list for that one day. Of course, my hopes were dashed each and every year. The last few years of the union were the years that completely ruined any chance for Valentine's Day ever being able to redeem itself in my eyes. I think it was year 12 when The Idiot actually asked another woman out on a date on Valentine's Day. He took her to dinner and then they went dancing. I spent the evening on my couch watching a Twilight Zone (how very appropriate, no?) marathon contemplating how in the hell my life went this wrong. Year 13, I saved and planned and took The Idiot out to a fancy restaurant and spent my hard earned money on some fabulous food. I had dressed up in my very best Look At Me- Aren't I Pretty- Please Love Me dress. Over dinner, I sensed something just wasn't quite right. As we pulled into the parking lot of our apartment complex after dinner, The Idiot hit the automatic door locks and proceeded to tell me that he was having an affair.

Those days are far behind me now and I am married to The Man of My Dreams. He treats every day like Valentine's Day. He tells me he loves me several times a day, never leaves the house without saying it, kisses me every morning and every night and calls me several times a day if for no other reason than to say, "I'm busy as heck, but I wanted you to know that I love you." So now my every day romance is better than most people's Valentine's Day. I know I'm very very lucky. And, I still don't like Valentine's Day.

*I'm going back under the knife on Friday. Dr. L has told me that when he takes all of the metal out of my shoulder, his hope is that I will experience relief from a lot of the pain that I've had for the past year since it was put in. This should have me jumping for joy in hope and anticipation. Instead, I am nervous and anxious. It's difficult for me to imagine not experiencing pain every day. I've seen the x-rays and my bones are in pieces. The metal was supposed to help the bones heal and instead the metal began failing. I don't know how it all works. That's why I go to doctors. They have almost always done right by me so I feel as though I should be feeling more hopeful. Instead, I keep thinking, "What if it doesn't work?" Dr. L has told me what will happen and it's not pleasant. And in Classic Me form, I prepare myself for the worst. I always tell my husband that if I'm prepared for the worst and then it happens, well...I'm prepared. And in the event the worst doesn't happen, well then...I get a pleasant little surprise.

*My daughter is here from Texas visiting. We flew her in for her 20th birthday because she wanted to spend her birthday with us. This made me feel good. I've spent the past couple of days talking with her and I am experiencing an inner whirlpool of emotion. She is not where she wants to be in life and not where I'd hoped she'd be. I have such a desire to rush in and rescue her and to make things better, but she and I have been through a lot together and I know that rescuing her is not the answer. All of my attempts at rescue thus far in her life have resulted in failure. She is not in any bodily jeopardy, mind you. If she were, I would most certainly rescue her. It's her heart and mind I'm worried about most. We all have to learn our own lessons and I have fulfilled my motherly obligation and shared my wisdom and my lessons with her so that she might use them for her benefit if she sees fit. I worry and I fret and I hope. I hope that she will learn her lessons earlier and without as much heartache as I did mine.

*Today the kids were home from school because it was President's Day. I cooked and cleaned and cleaned and cooked...and cleaned...all day long. I am tired. Eric had a mountain of homework to do after work today and four hours into it, he's still not done. I'm so proud of him for taking on school and doing so well. He'll finish his bachelor's degree this year and with all A's. It's been a mountain to climb, I assure you. Mixed in with my pride is the ever present selfishness of wishing we had more time to spend together. The last couple of years have been spent in between the work of our daily lives and his schoolwork. Our time together seems never to be enough. I don't know how much would be enough. He is my best friend, my sounding board, my partner in silliness, my Dancing Queen and my Knower of All Things. He also always smells delicious, no matter what he's been doing. Now you see....all the time in the world is not enough time with this man.

*sigh*

Sleep needs to happen soon, so this is it. Nothing brilliant, witty or of real importance.

I hope Friday is a sunny day.

7 comments:

Reya Mellicker said...

I'll be sending lots of good energy on Friday. Hope the surgery goes very well.

If I had that ahead of me this week, I would be anxious, too.

MSNBC - my favorite news channel. I love Rachel Maddow, and Keith Olbermann, even though he's rather in love with himself. He's still really smart and fearless, too.

There's room inbetween total ignorance and reading about every little detail of what happens in the realm of politics. By all means, take a few days off.

Take good care. Friday you are on my list for good thoughts and healing energy. Good luck!

Amy said...

Thank you so much for the good wishes. It means a great deal.

I'm with you completely regarding MSNBC! I do try to read my news from several different sources, but when I watch t.v. I get a real kick out of watching the gang at the MSNBC.

I've been trying to wean myself off of the news a bit and have been somewhat successful. It just ssems as though every day brings with it a new disatrous headline!

Again, thanks for the good wishes and comment.

AmyWW said...

Hi Amy! I'm ashamed that I didn't know you are still having problems with your shoulder. I'll be sending lots of good thoughts your way on Friday.
That comment on my blog really knocked me for a loop, too. Hehehe
Hope your "blahs" heal over and you have some sunny, happy days. You deserve it!

Jennie................ said...

I had to detox myself from politics after the election. I need some downtime of worrying about the country as a whole,and just worrying about my own world for a while!

My thoughts will be with you Friday - hoping all goes well on that day and in future-shoulder needing days! I am also a preparer for the worst! LOL

BTW - I always knew he was a Queen at heart, and the "smell" thing made me throw up a little in my mouth HAHAHAH!

Wendy said...

Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
Good luck to you on Friday. I will send good thoughts your way for a successful surgery and speedy healing.
Remember to follow dr's orders afterward, even if they tell you to STAY STILL.

Love,
Wendy

lakeviewer said...

Amy,
Nothing like having pain and additional surgery waiting at the end of the week to ruin your mood. You're in need of remediation and recouperation. Better tell the kids to fend for themselves for a while. You need to take care of You.

Andrea said...

What you call your "jumbled mess" was actually quite brillant! Good luck with your surgery.