Monday, January 12, 2009

...the kind you don't take home to muth-a...

I was talking to a friend today and we both agree that as we ripen...ahem...that we seem to like people in general, less and less. Couple this with what my husband says to me: "You're SO....dramatic," and you've quite the combo.

Although I consider myself a pretty happy person, I also find that a lot of stuff really pisses me off. It's not the kind of stuff that is life altering in any way...mostly. It's basically stuff that just gives me a reason to get my feathers in a ruffle and get my eyes seriously rolling.

For the sake of this particular blog, I will omit the things that REALLY get me riled. Even without them, you will indeed find that I am a super freak.

1. When someone says, "Love you!" my skin crawls. To me, that phrase stinks of insincerity. If you can't muster up an "I" in front of it, don't even bother. Leaving out the PERSONAL pronoun in front of the phrase makes it impersonal. (I promise I won't be offended if you tell me, "I really think you're neat" instead of telling me, "love you." I'm most likely not that crazy about you either.)

2. When someone says, "Have a good one!" I want to smack them. Hard. What is this phrase supposed to mean? I'm pretty sure this phrase was coined by people in retail who start their day at 8:00 a.m. and end it at 6:00 p.m. If they say, "Have a good one!" they don't have to damage precious brain cells by actually knowing what time of day it is. Again, this reeks of insincerity. Either tell me to have a nice day or to kiss your ass. Pick one. To me, they're the same.

3. When I read that a person is suing an airline for booting them off the plane for not purchasing two tickets when they clearly take up two seats, I freaking lose my mind. The math here is elementary. I've traveled with a small child who didn't even take up half a seat and I had to pay for the whole seat. If your ass takes up your seat and part of another, you're taking up two seats. Therefore, you owe the airline for both. This is not rocket science. Don't waste our time and money by suing the airline. Sue Hostess instead.

4. I yell at the phone every time I am requested to "press 1 for English." Ummm...I don't THINK so, Asshole. If I am an American citizen living IN America, English should be the friggin default on everything. I shouldn't have to select English as my language at the ATM or at the grocery store checkout stand. My can of Green Giant green beans should also not say, "frijoles verde" on them. When did the goddamn jolly green giant become Hispanic? Look...I have no problem whatsoever with anyone wanting to live in America. My problem is with those who seek to live here without the obligation and honor of citizenship. If you want to enjoy all that this country has to offer, then come here and become an American. Americans speak English (or at least a butchered form thereof). Don't make me have to press freakin' 1 for English. I will FLIP out on your ass. (Okay...this is one of the things that really gets me riled.)

5. I love barbecue pork rinds. This is disgusting and wrong but I'm perfectly fine with it.

6. Motorcycle operators who feel that they are above the law and who are also perfectly willing to risk their lives AND mine on the highway, not only scare the shit out of me, they piss me off. If you're on a piece of steel 1/8 the size of the piece of steel I'm riding in and you are traveling at 80 m.p.h. on a highway that has a speed limit of 65 m.p.h., you are putting yourself and me at risk. You put us both at greater risk if you are weaving between lanes of traffic without using your turn signal. I know that you're a super cool bad ass that is in an obvious hurry because your Viagra didn't wear off after 6 hours and you're on your way to the e.r. but please...if you don't value your own life, at least consider mine and those of the children riding in my car. Idiot.

7. When I was pregnant and the general population decided that because my stomach protruded past my "space" and into theirs, it was now public property. It's truly shocking how many complete strangers will approach a pregnant woman and TOUCH their stomach. Not only do most of them just touch it, they also ask questions so personal that it will make you blush. What in the hell is up with that?! I've actually had a complete stranger in a hair salon walk up to me and RUB my stomach. By the time I gained enough composure to close my slack jaw, she was walking away. I wish I would have had my wits about me enough to have turned around and rubbed her giant ass. Turnabout is fair play.

8. Telemarketers. If I want the shit you're selling, I'll call you.

9. When I call my local cable company and I am connected to my friendly customer service representative, Abdul Rashid, my teeth almost shatter. Abdul IS quite friendly, but cannot understand a damn word I say. I know this because he walking me through "solutions" that have nothing to do with the problem I'm having. I am repeatedly put on hold while he talks to the invisible English speaking schmuck so that the English speaking schmuck can tell him what to say. I also have quite a bit of difficulty understanding Abdul and end up getting testy with him. The conversation usually ends with a threat to cancel my service or with me screaming to speak to the English speaking schmuck. I once had to endure an entire series of these conversations which lasted about an hour in order to finally be connected to the English speaking schmuck who promptly informed my that yes indeed, I HAD turned in my cable box on the day I said I did and not only did I not owe them $175, I actually had a refund coming. Why in the hell did I have to sit on the phone conversing with Abdul and his idiot cousins for an hour?! Assholes told me I owed $175 dollars for a cable box. No virgins in heaven for you, Abdul!!!!!

10. Know-It-Alls send my eyes to rolling. With some people, no matter what you say, they have something to add. If you say it's 4 o'clock, they'll say, "Actually, it's 4:05." If you say, "Oh, I heard they're building a space station on Mars" (and you're totally bullshitting) they'll say, "Yeah...I know.....I read about that. It's gonna be cool." I know someone who thinks she's a freakin' human g.p.s. and she can't find her way out of a paper bag. She refuses to ask directions, can't read a map, has no sense of direction and will stay lost for an hour, all the while blaming YOU because you don't know where she is. Her most used phrase is, "I know." Food for thought: When every other sentence you utter is, "I know," you probably don't know shit.

11. The Know-It-All above is also the world's greatest One-Upper.If you've seen a concert, she's seen it twice. If you just got a new cell phone, she just got one that's better. If you just saw your first Broadway Broadway... and are so excited, she'll pop your balloon by not so casually mentioning that she's seen Wicked twice...on Broadway. If you've been somewhere, she's been there. If she hasn't been there, she trash talks it. One-Uppers blow. They're glory stealers and party poopers...and assholes.

I actually think I'm going to start tracking all of the things that piss me off. Oprah has that crazy "Thankful Journal" or whatever. That really requires a lot of thought and a lot of bullshitting one's self. I mean really. Who REALLY is thankful for obstacles to overcome? Have they maybe resulted in my being a stronger person? Probably. Am I thankful that I had to endure them? I'm sure they pissed me off more than anything.

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